Identity

so i just realized this

i don't know who i am anymore

isn't it sad that i was defined by things of this world that are temporary? i thought i had it all figured out, that i was good and things were good for me.

and constantly i asked that He would challenge me, my faith in Him.

so He did. He took away from me the things that i had in my life to define myself. and now i'm lost.

i don't know who i am...that's scary.

am i fun? am i confident? am i secure? am i smart? am i strong?

am i silly? am i awkward? do i love people? what are my hobbies?

what's my favorite book? favorite movie? song?

where's my favorite place to be? am i committed?

am i doing what i love? does it matter?

what motivates me?

what's my story?

where so i belong?

who do i fit in with?

who can i be the most comfortable around?

when am i truly myself?

i dont know

but the one thing that i do know is Him.

He is mine and I am His.

and that's all i know

and nothing will take that away from me.

bring whatever you want up against me, nothing will pull me away from His love and my faith is continually being strengthened.

i may not know who i am anymore, but He holds me in His hand and knows me better than anyone.

and for now i only belong to Him.

and that's my identity

not happy

this semester has been hard for me

many times i've wanted to scream, yell, cry and just sleep...for a long time

and this is one of those moments.

i'm angry, upset, hurt, sad, and words cannot express the feelings i'm feelings

i'll just a vent a tad about why i feel this way, even tho i could go on for forever

i just got off the phone with my mom and she asked about my TEACH Grant i should have been getting

as we were talking, i read an email from the wonderful MSU Financial Aid

it stated that, as I've been waiting for months for this large sum of money

i won't be able to get it until i pull my GPA up .5 points

anger

failure

disappointment

hopeless

all filled my insides

i won't be able to do any the things i was hoping on doing this christmas season

like shopping with the girls of my family

or hanging out with friends

and all because of money

that's the worst part of it all

money is controlling my mood

and that's just a small percentage of what my semester has looked like

Broken-Hearted

You're a beautiful person. People adore you. People admire you. People desire to spend time with you. You are wanted, cared for, loved. You are strong, independent, fun, and beautiful.

Psalm 45:11 "...and the King will desire your beauty..."

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in HIS OWN image, in the IMAGE OF GOD HE CREATED HIM..."

Don't you want more than the life you're living? Don't you want to make an impact? Don't you want to be part of something powerful, different, lasting? I know you do. You long to be different, but instead you're going the way of the world, the way that is just like others. You have so much to offer, and what are you doing instead? Throwing it all away.

And what gets me the most is that you know. You know what you're missing out on. You know what His Word says, you know what He wants from you, You know The Truth. You have no excuse.

Romans 1:18-23 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against ALL ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is PLAIN TO THEM, because God has SHOWN IT TO THEM. For His invisible attributes, namely His eternal power and divine nature, have been CLEARLY PERCEIVED, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are WITHOUT EXCUSE. For although they KNEW GOD, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling MORTAL man and birds and animals and creeping things.

You claim that you know what you're doing. You won't do anything "stupid". But its a slow fade. Of course you didn't wake up one morning and want this. You claim to be wise, but you are being foolish. Don't you see it? Don't see you that you're destroying what little amount of time you have? Don't you see that you may not have tomorrow? You know this. You've seen death. You've seen how those as young as you have passed away. You've experienced someone close to you being taken from this world. So again, you are without excuse.

Isaiah 40:6-8 "...all flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breathe of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but The Word of our God will stand forever."

So what are you doing with your life, you foolish girl? You are living a life for yourself; a selfish, mortal, and hopeless self. One day you will fail. One day you will realize what you have been doing this whole time and the people you surround yourself with, who are also selfish, are not going to help you. Because, just like you, they are living for themselves and no one else, therefore, they can't help you.

And you sit there claiming "its my life, I can do whatever I want with it. One day, I'll do what He wants. But for now, it's all about me." But that's not how it works.

Romans 8:7-8 "For the mind that is set on the flesh is HOSTILE to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh CANNOT please God."

You know better. You know how powerful my God is. You know that in any second, He can turn your life around. In the past: David, Job, Noah; and in your present: Rachel, Giovanni, Morgan, their lives ALL tell of His mighty hand, His unending power. In one second, your life could be over as you know it.

But you've got it figured out. You may first go to those "friends" you have, but what will happen sooner or later? They'll give up. Then you'll turn to your family, who you know will help you. And why would you come to us at last? Because you know we will help you and support you and love you no matter what. We are waiting for you to come to us. Don't you see? We've been where you are. We've been caught up in the pleasures of this life and turned our backs on the only One who truly loved us. And He was waiting of for us to run to Him. And He's waiting for you to run to Him.

Don't you see? It's all about Him. To live a satisfied, joyful, obedient life is what He died for. And you are taking it for granted. Every breathe you take is a gift from the Ruler of the Earth.

Why don't you understand that? It breaks my heart. And I pray for you. I pray that God gives you another chance to realize what you've done. I pray that He uses me in your life, that I resemble a life that is pleasing to Him, a life that is known as "Christian". I pray that you know that you can come to me with anything and know that I will always love you. I know you can do better and just hope and pray that you see that. That you give your life to the only One who commands every little thing in this puny life we live. That you realize where your beauty comes from.

so much and not enough

there is nothing wrong with my feelings

unloved

lost

confused

selfish

grateful

angry

sad

stressed

anxious

unknown

frustrated

confident

tired

hurt

useless

hopeful

self-conscious

unstoppable

unable

disappointed

empty

pained

overwhelmed

dismal

joyful

alone

and only in His presence do I find peace

those three words

i know what you're thinking.

but these three are different words

"I NEED YOU..."

you fill in the rest...

i love hearing those words...to know that I'm needed

my friend texted me today..."I need to you to come to walmart with me because I don't want to go alone"

that made me happy

my friend needed me. just to run to the grocery store with him.

but he needed me...and wanted me to go with him

when I hear those three words, i don't ask questions, i'm there

why?

because I love to feel needed

everyone loves to feel needed

so if you need anyone, say it

if they're the good friend you'd hope for, they'll drop everything and be there

i hope everyone knows that if they need me, day or night, i'll be there.

just to sit, i'll try to listen, and know i'll pray for them, because most of the time, that's all i can do

all i'm saying is, i love to be needed

and maybe they dont NEED me but just want me to be there...that's ok too

:)

where pain is just a memory and tears are no more

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing

i may have changed some things in this song, but i think these lines are appropriate

i feel like i'm ready for heaven.

i'm sick and tired of life.

of pain, worry, stress. and not just of my own life, but i'm sick of seeing it in the lives of those i truly care about.

and i'm a hypocrite for constantly telling others that are going thru stuff that "God knows what you can handle" and "He won't put you through anything you can't deal with"

because i'm at the end of my rope.

i can't take anymore

i snapped and left my best friend the other day because of one little thing she said.

my friends are hurting and there's nothing i can do

i'm hurting and there's nothing i can do

i can't be the person people expect me to be anymore. i dont want to deal.

i dont want anyone else to tell me that i "need" to do something.

i just want to sleep...but then i wake up

i'm ready for this life and pain and turmoil and stress to be over.

i feel like i'm becoming numb, to the point where i dont feel anymore, and therefore i won't feel bad if/when i hurt someone else.

i want someone to understand

God, save me!!!! i'm sick of life!!! but obviously, i'm not ready to come home, or i'd already be there right?! SAVE ME, FATHER! You love me right? so where are You?

i can't do this anymore!!

i can't!!

Help me! i'm begging You, to turn to me and help me. comfort me. heal my heart. fix me, God cause i'm so screwed up!

I NEED YOU!

i either want or need answers

Satan is attacking me closer than I thought could happen.

I used to think everything with my sister was Satan attacking me personally. my money problems were personal, friend problems, and things with my dad, i thought that was personal. but this is worse.

mostly because i totally did not see this coming. of course, I know he attacks when least expecting it, but this is out of the blue and hit me in the face.

and i don't know what to do.

the word confused doesn't even BEGIN to describe my feelings.

i've never been more stressed about my expenses like rent, car payment, insurance, phone bill, i don't have a job, my sister is drifting from us, i miss my mom, i miss my best friends from high school and i'm dying to see my dad healthy again, for good. and i dont know what to do.

i'm stuck.

all i can do is turn to God, the most powerful King of all and my heavenly Father who loves me.

so why am I not?

why am I trying to figure this out all on my own? i simply don't understand my problem.

then i'm reminded that thats what satan wants. he wants me to question myself. he wants me to think its my problem, that its something wrong with me. but its not. its all him.

surrender

thats what i need to finally do. i keep telling myself i don't have time, but thats a lie. i need to get my priorities straight.

God first. I need to know that He will take care of me.

He loves me.

and if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

i decided today on another tattoo idea:

Gracia como lluvia (Grace like rain)

and that may change within a few weeks but at this point its applicable to my life.

Lord of everything in heaven and earth,

I know You love me. I know You are the most powerful King of kings. And I know You will take care of me. So right here and now, i'm giving it all over to You. By Your will alone, I will find a job, I will be able to pay for the needed things, my sister will return to us, my dad will get better permanently, my friends will seek You before anything, and everything will be ok. Why? because You love me and You want to take care of me. After all, You chose me. I knew it was going to be hard, but this is more pain than I was expecting. So i'm begging You to step in and take control. Only You can change things in my life, so please do just that. I love You, I praise You and I thank You. Yes, it's not enough, but I offer all of me to You.

Thank You, Ruler of all,

Your daughter,

Samantha Kathryn Tabor

what a beautiful and life changing journey

so i went to China

and i hope and prayed that I would come back a "changed woman"

well i just got back

and this whole changed woman thing is going to be a lot harder than i thought

while i was there i spent more time in the Word than I ever have in my entire life. i learned more than i had ever imagined and I hope that it sticks with me

the Chinese people are so beautiful, caring, kind and hospitable

and, oh so hungry for something beautiful

they are all about romance and love and beauty, all for tradition and meaning and learning.

and, boy, do they ask good and HARD questions. they are the type of questions you and I would never think of.

and no because we've grown up in a Christian home or in the Church, but because of the culture. they are innocent when it comes to the Bible and God and clueless when it comes to spirituality. but beautiful still the same

because of their quite difficult questions, our group of 4, 5 including the journeyman who lives there, found ourselves countless times studying the Bible like I've never done. learning things that we thought we knew.

Dillon, the journeyman, and the chinese students taught me how to question simple things that i had never considered before.

one thing being, does God love everyone. In Romans 9 it says and it quotes, "Jacob I loved, Esau I hated." so...does God hate.

its a good question and i was baffled for a few days.

i have been taught, my whole life that God loves me, you, and everyone. but what about that one verse? its in the Bible, so its true, right?

and as much as i would LOVE to explain my feelings about this now, i'm gonna challenge you to search for yourself the answer to that question.

this is just one example of many difficulties we found. but i have never learned so much before and it was WONDERFUL

something else that was simply amazing, showing the power that God has was seeing that what we studied on our own, would turn up in our bible studies or "english corners" later that week.

whether it was mallory and my personal time studying james or the 5 of us listening to a sermon from Mark Driscoll, the conversation would come up later in a time for questions with the students.

amazing!

so my challenge and prayer for you and me is that we ask questions. as stupid as they may sound, its important for us to search for our own answers and not believe everything we've ever been told.

thank you for your prayers and amazing support and please continue to pray for me as i pray for all of us, that we are challenged to live differently, and our lives never look the same.

ch ch ch changes!

you know the song...

thats what came into my head when i was thinking of a title for this blog

i'm leaving for China tomorrow...WOW

and ever since summer started, i've been praying that God would change me

not just cause i'm going on a missions trip, but because I want to be changed

i want to be the woman He wants me to be

and maybe i want to be a little like my amazing friends,

and maybe i wanna be like emily smith who has a gentle and quiet spirit. who does what is right no matter what people think or say. who keeps to herself and has perfect integrity.

and maybe i wanna be like emily moncrief. who is a wonderful friend. who seeks to follow God with all things in her being. who is confident and beautiful in everything she does.

so maybe i'm not as confident as i want to be but these are wonderful woman that i look up to. women that God put into my life so that i can learn from them and look up to them.

so, Lord, change me.

Psalm 51.

love it!

read it.

its beautiful

i love david

he was a king who messed up BIG TIME...so much!

and a father, who was not very good at it.

his kids were terrible and he just kinda sat back and watched.

but at the same time he was a man after God's own heart.

i love him so much cause he messes up so much, but still follows and seeks God.

he's proof that we're not meant to be perfect and God can still love us and we can still be His seekers

so this will be the last post for a long time

and i'm going to miss it

but i'm good

i'll live

and i will be a "changed woman", in the words of Kassi Roedding when i get back from my trip

and thank the Lord i will!!!

thanks for reading and thanks for the prayers...i love you so

Samantha: Listener of God

Yup. So guess who left their blog logged into my laptop... :)
This is Emily Dani speaking, and so I'm just gonna write a blog bout my lil darlin Samantha.

Samantha, in Hebrew, means Listener of God.

I do believe that's pretty significant. My dearest does listen to the Almighty. Her heart is pure and seeking holiness. It's pretty obvious to see the amazing love of Christ in her....it just comes out without thinking. She strives to learn and be in the will of God daily. She began prayer walk, and encouraged others to pray with expectancy for her campus. Others began to see what a relationship with the King looked like, how you communicated with the Holy One, and how a constant steady commitment in seeking Him only led you closer to Him. Her easy manner and friendly attitude makes everyone feel at ease, at home, and among friends. In essence, she is a God-magnet...attracting nonbelievers to her...and God is in her...thus God-magnet :) She encourages her girlfriends when they are down and sticks by them when they make mistakes and do wrong things. She can just look at a friend, or be around them for 3 seconds and know something's wrong. She does everything in her power to find out what's wrong, cheer them up, and show them love. Samantha gives amazing hugs...and they're free! :) Just her essence is beauty. Her curly shiny locks with a flower in them makes her a goddess divine...(mmm pride & prejudice...sigh..) :) Her natural skin without makeup is gorgeous, and her eyes shine like diamond in da sky. Why a boy hasn't snatched her up yet, oh....cause they're all scared and intimidated by such an accomplished woman! Booya! I'm so glad she's in my life, and you should be, too. Pray for her as she goes off to China this Thursday...by way of Germany! Ah!

I loves you my dearest Listener of God, and will be praying for you.
~Emily Dani

am i who i'm supposed to be?

i'm going on a missions trip in 2 weeks for 2 months.

i cannot explain how excited i am

i can also tell you that, as an amazing person pointed out, i'm being attacked

satan knows that God will be doing amazing things on this trip, so he's trying his best to bring me far away from Christ.

and honestly, its been working a little

i'm being told that i'm not doing enough, loving enough or being enough of the person i'm supposed to be

the person that i am is wrong.

i'm not strong enough in my faith to lead a bible study.

i cant lead someone to Christ when my life isnt where it should be

God cant use me because i dont have the right abilities

well, you know what? that may be right

but i've got God.

He is so much stronger than satan is and He's holding on to me

He never lets go

when satans lies are getting to me, He's still there

He loves me more than i could imagine or ever return

so at this moment and with things i continually do, i may not like who i am

one of my sisters told me the other day about my trip, "girl, you'll come back a changed woman!"

that stuck with me

and that's what i've been praying.

Francis Chan talks about, in his book Crazy Love, being completely obsessed with God.

he asks if we want to be obsessed with Him.

when we pray, do we pray for continual safety or do we pray that we go through anything to grow closer to Him?

as scary as that may be, what i want more than anything is to desire Him with all of my heart.

so thats what i've been praying

i pray so much that God prepares me for this trip, that He protects me from satan's lies and that He changes me

not just while i'm there, but starting today, right now

i want to be changed.

so that i can become the woman He has planned for me to be

someone obsessed and in love with Jesus Christ, my Savior

how i wait for that glorious day

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. - Pslams 63:5

why, God?

why can i not be satisfied by You?

why can't i accept the overpowering, unending, strongest love You have for me?

why?

i want so bad to get it.

not in my head

its been in my head for twenty years

but in my heart.

i KNOW You love me. its everywhere. its in nature. its in friends. its in family, Your Word, Your songs, my emotions, my blessings. what You have done for me. its everywhere

so why hasnt it clicked?

i'm searching and searching and knowing someday i'll find it.

BUT I CANT WAIT ANY LONGER!!!

i go to people to find it but its not enough

i want to be completely satisfied in YOU!

people don't fill that void

i want love

but not from people, because anyone can see that i have that

i want love from You

and You're giving it to me but why don't i feel it?

i dont understand

if there's something keeping me from accepting it, rip it out

as much as it hurts, take it away

because more than anything i want to want You more

i'm dry

spiritually and physically.

i dreamed last night that someone close to me died

my mom told me

and i couldnt cry

it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but i havent cried real tears in the longest time

and its the WORST feeling

to want to cry so badly and have no tears to do so.

i get so close so many times

and it makes me mad

God, i'm all dried up.

what should i do?

i believe, once i get that satisfaction in You, i'll be able to cry

and cry and cry and cry.

tears of joy and at the same time those tears i've wanted to cry when i havent been able to.

it will be wonderful

a sense of relief thats has been building up for so long.

*sigh*

oh how i wait for that day

impatient?

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if its only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you're apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."

so i'm realizing that for some stupid reason, i dont love You like i should

but i'm searching

and wanting so much to love You

Francis Chan says, "Our prayers for more love result in love, which naturally causes us to pray more, which results in more love..."

well i know in my head that You love me

i've been told that my whole life

but why can't i just accept it and love You back?

love You in a way that breaks down all the stupid things keeping my from obeying You.

love You so immensely that i need nothing else.

love You so fully that there is no physical way for me to keep it to myself or focus on myself because everything i do, i do for You

so i beg You please!

help me

i need You

i can't accept and love You back on my own because You are in completely control of my heart.

i'm searching and not seeming to find anything

my head knows it but my heart doesnt seem to feel it

change my heart

"Tell Him you want to love Him more than anything on this earth." Lord of creation, i want You to be the most supreme love in my heart. a love that surpasses the love of my wonderful friends and amazing family. i really do

"Tell Him you want to treasure the kingdom of heaven so much that you'd willingly sell everything in order to get it." King of all things, I want to stop worrying about the things of this world and most focus on what's in store for me at the end of my physical life. Heaven. Paradise. Eternity with my best Friend, Lover, Father, Saviour, Lord, King, and God.

"Tell Him what you life about Him, what you appreciate, and what brings you joy." Oh, my God, i adore that you love me. you dont try to tweek me. you made me and in Your eyes i'm perfect. You desire to be with me. You bless me knowing how undeserved i am of it. You keep me safe. You humble me. Thank You, Wonderful Creator, Jesus who died. AND LIVES.

"The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?" - John Piper, God Is the Gospel

aprendiendo

wow

constantly i am humbled and shown how insignificant i am

and how much i sin

gosh

all throughout the day i sin

not just once a day...all the time...all day

ew

who wants that in their lives? in their hearts?

definitely not me

but THANK THE LORD, i have His Holy Spirit to convict me. to tell me straight up, "you're doing it again!"

and even tho i constantly sin, God still blesses me

WHAT'S WITH THAT?

i have so so so much to be thankful for in my life, but why do i have it? why, why, why? when i disobey Him over and over again?

i dont deserve what i'm given. i dont deserve the amazing friends i have. i dont deserve the best parents i could ever ask for. i dont deserve to be financially ok when i constantly question if i'm gonna be able to make it thru next week.

when i make a mistake, like denting my uncles car and stress and worry and question God whether or not i'm gonna be able to pay for it, He definitely doesnt need to save me from that stress. i should have to break down and say, "ok, God, You've got this. i know its gonna be ok, because You've NEVER let me down before"

i should have to cut certain things out of my life to make sure that i'm getting done what needs to be done.

instead, God gives me an amazing uncle who decided that i dont have to pay him back until after school

Wait...WHAT?! i dont deserve that!! i should be punished, not forgiven

but God loves me

HE loves me.

The

King of Kings,

Almighty,

Most Powerful,

Most High,

Worthy

God

of the Universe and more

loves

Samantha

Kathryn

Tabor.

one student of 1800 at Mississippi State University

out of all the 19-almost-20 year olds in the world, He loves me

He cares for me, He is jealous for me

those words havent been more meaningful to me.

He is jealous for me

He desires to spend time with me.

all of my selfishness and my ickiness, my pride and my failures, He looks past it and wants to help me get through the hard times

and i cannot comprehend it

so that's what i'm learning.

that He loves me

as much as i dont deserve getting a good parking spot after complaining about working late or getting the best grade on the worst paper i've ever written or having the best parents ever while i still whine about not getting what i want, He loves me

and i dont see how anyone, let alone the most perfect God, could love me.

but He does

and i am so grateful

He LOVES me

wow...

Death Is Real

Just a couple days ago, a friend said the following,

"You know what's real? Death. Death is real."

we went on to talk about how now a days, death is everywhere. Haiti, peoples mothers dying from cancer, people's fathers dying in car accidents, college students committing suicide.

its not fun to talk about, but its everywhere and, at least to me, its becoming more and more real in life.

I'm reading two books by two awesome authors. "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and "What Jesus Demands From The World" by John Piper. Recently, the chapters i've read in each book have mentioned death. i'll share.

"Are You Ready?

As a pastor, I'm often called upon when life "vanishes like a mist." One of the most powerful examples I've seen of this was Stan Gerlach, a successful businessman who was well known in the community. Stan was giving a eulogy at a memorial service when he decided to share the gospel. At the end of his message, Stan told the mourners, 'You never know when God is going to take your life. At that moment there's nothing you can do about it. Are you ready?' Then Stan sat down, fell over, and died. His wife and sons tried to resuscitate him, but there was nothing they could do - just as Stan had said a few minutes earlier.

I'll never forget receiving that phone call and heading over to the Gerlach house. Stan's wife, Suzy, was just arriving home. She hugged me and cried. One of her sons, John, stepped out of the car weeping. He asked me, 'Did you hear the story? Did you hear? I'm so proud of him. My dad died doing what he loved doing most. He was telling people about Jesus.'

I was asked to share a word with everyone gathered...I asked everyone what it must had felt like for Stan. One moment he was at a memorial service saying to a crowd, 'This is who Jesus is!' The next, he was before God hearing Jesus say, 'This is who Stan Gerlach is!' One second he was confessing Jesus; a second later, Jesus was confessing him!'"

- Crazy Love by Francis Chan

"The Description Jesus Uses for Hell

Jesus spoke of hell more than anyone in the Bible. He referred to it as a place of 'outer darkness' where 'there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth' (Matt. 8:12). In other words, all the joys that we associate with light will be withdrawn, and all the fears that we associate with darkness will be multiplied. And the result will be an intensity of misery that makes a person grind his teeth in order to bear it.

...He calls it 'the hell of fire' (Matt. 5:22), 'eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels' (Matt. 25:41), 'unquenchable fire' (Matt. 9:43), 'eternal punishment' (Matt. 25:46).

This last description - 'eternal punishment' - is especially heartrending and fearful because it is contrasted with 'eternal life.' 'These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.' In this contrast we hear the tragedy of loss as well as suffering and endlessness. Just as 'eternal life' will be a never-ending experience of pleasure in God's presence, so 'eternal punishment' will be a never-ending experience of misery under God's wrath (John 3:36; 5:24)."

Death is real, you guys. And as morbid as this may seem, there's a reason God is showing me all of this.

Obedience.

When He tell us to do something, there's a reason, I PROMISE. and this is something i'm definitely learning and struggling with at this very moment.

We have been demanded to spread His love and to obey Him and in obeying Him, we spread His love. People are dying every day and are going STRAIGHT to hell.

no second chances.

no take-backs.

no changing their minds.

there's nothing we can do.

hell.

eternal punishment, misery, fire.

think about that.

i recently got burnt at work and have a blister on my finger. that hurt really bad. imagine the worst burn you've ever had.

now multiply that all over your body.

now take the time it hurt and think about eternity.

who could EVER wish that upon someone? even their enemies?!

how can we just sit back and watch the people we care about walk straight down the path of hell. because that's pretty much saying, "i hate you so much, that i'm gonna watch you destroy yourself." SCARY!!!

we are on the earth to tell them, "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"

we cant expect for them to hear it from someone else.

we cant whisper it.

we cant mention it just once.

we are told to live as Jesus lived.

walk the talk.

everyday.

every second.

they need to know that we have an unfathomable love and Who that is.

don't just live like you've got it and not share.

SHARE!

don't keep it to yourself!

because by doing that, we're sending them to hell.

harsh?

heck yes its harsh.

true?

oh yeah

my prayer is that God continues to teach me the realness of peoples death: Teach us, dear Father, what hell really is. Show us where these people are going without You. Open up our eyes to the things unseen and break our hearts for what breaks Yours! Give us such a passion and love for these people, that we can just stand by and watch them. Empty us of our nasty, selfish flesh, Lord, and fill us up COMPLETELY with You, so that everything we say, do, think is for Your glory. Please, Lord. This is my plea, my cry, my deepest desire, to glorify You and I hope and pray that it continues to grow every second of every day, and that it spreads to others. Because i do believe WE are the generation to make things change. we just need to see the reality of things.

I praise You, God, for who You are.

what You have done

what You continue to do

PRAISE THE LORD!

Who knows?

so maybe i'm in a mood.

maybe i'm just that girl right now.

maybe its all justified. but i have this recurring feeling and i dont know where i am.

maybe i miss my sisters.

maybe i wanna go back to senior year just because i had a boy, 7 beautiful girls, an amazing family, and i thought things were good.

but i didnt have what i have now.

i didnt know what i was missing.

things werent great.

now i have good friends who dont understand. awesome people in my life, who will never get it. they werent there when i went through everything. my family was. and my sisters were.

and now they're in illinois, michigan, virginia, minnesota, ohio, idaho, pennsylvania.

maybe i'm just lonely again.

but why does it keep coming to this?

things go great.

God is good and no words can explain how good.

but its simple and beautiful and He continually gives me things i dont need.

so where is the gratefulness?

why does this lonely feeling keep coming back?

maybe God is trying to tell me something.

He's the ONLY One who will ever completely get me.

He knows.

He knows these feelings, and thank The Lord, that's true. because that means i'm not crazy.

for now.

maybe He wants me to turn to Him first and not to some random someone who doesnt wanna listen to me complain.

maybe i'm supposed to be at the place where i'm so lonely, all i can do is turn to The Most High, Comforter and Healer.

maybe I'm right where i should be, and dont even know it.

Thank You, Lord. for never sighing and walking away because I'm being ridiculous.

Thank You for always listening even when i'm not talking to You.

Thank You for completely understanding.

Thank You, Lord for commenting even when i'm not listening.

Thank You for knowing me even when i dont know me.

Thank You, Lord for being called and living up to the name "Healer" and "Comforter".

Thank You.

so come one.

comfort me.

even tho i dont deserve it.

heal me.

because i feel broken.

and Thank You

and to You is all the praise.

because YOU are LORD over ALL.

2010...a new generation!

so, i kinda forgot that i had this blog...then a new, good friend sent me the link to her blog and remember i had one of my own. i think the last time i wrote was quite a while ago so i'm gonna start fresh
i'm now at a new school and loving ever waking minute of it. God has continued to bless me and continuing to show me how powerful and awesome He is. you know, its one thing to know about Him and His awesome power, love, grace, mercy, etc, and its another compeltely different thing to expirience and my whole life, I've known it. and now, 20 years later, i'm expiriencing it. I've learned so much about myself this year and and starting to realize what i've made my life about...and its been about me.
i've even fooled myself into thinking its been about Him, but i'm starting to realize that its just a big mess. i know i'm a self centered person and i see it every day of my life and i constantly ask to be humbled but it wasnt until Passion 2010 that i actually felt it. God has been teaching me patience while also being patient with me knowing that some day I'll get it. and the last day, i did. He finally showed me what my life has been about. He pointed to me and was like "don't you see? you're making it ALL about you!" BLOWN AWAY, I TELL YA!
i was so ashamed of knowing that my whole life i've been making it about me. and always asking for that humility, i never knew it would feel that way. misery. its awful. but at the same time, knowing that God has an amazing grace and mercy makes it all better. and knowing that i'm not going to continually say that i'm rededicating my life to Him and that I'll never do it again, makes me feel ok. because I know in my heart that i will continually fall and sin, but God has forgiven me! and its ok! i'm human and i'm going to sin, but God's grace washes it all away.
you'd think that i'd say that i'm changed forever and havent made things about me since that day, but the crazy thing is, is that two minutes later i did it again. and i keep on doing it every single day, and i'm so glad that God keeps pointing it out to me.
I've never been so passionate and so in love with our amazing King of kings and I never want this fire to die down, so I'm going to put so much more effort into this awakening that He's blessed me with and keep it in my heart.
My prayer is that you, too will either be awakened to His call or stay awakened and live like the One and Only God is on YOUR side...because He is..."and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"
Thanks for the read!
and i'll prolly be writing more often now!
;)
sam