Who knows?

so maybe i'm in a mood.

maybe i'm just that girl right now.

maybe its all justified. but i have this recurring feeling and i dont know where i am.

maybe i miss my sisters.

maybe i wanna go back to senior year just because i had a boy, 7 beautiful girls, an amazing family, and i thought things were good.

but i didnt have what i have now.

i didnt know what i was missing.

things werent great.

now i have good friends who dont understand. awesome people in my life, who will never get it. they werent there when i went through everything. my family was. and my sisters were.

and now they're in illinois, michigan, virginia, minnesota, ohio, idaho, pennsylvania.

maybe i'm just lonely again.

but why does it keep coming to this?

things go great.

God is good and no words can explain how good.

but its simple and beautiful and He continually gives me things i dont need.

so where is the gratefulness?

why does this lonely feeling keep coming back?

maybe God is trying to tell me something.

He's the ONLY One who will ever completely get me.

He knows.

He knows these feelings, and thank The Lord, that's true. because that means i'm not crazy.

for now.

maybe He wants me to turn to Him first and not to some random someone who doesnt wanna listen to me complain.

maybe i'm supposed to be at the place where i'm so lonely, all i can do is turn to The Most High, Comforter and Healer.

maybe I'm right where i should be, and dont even know it.

Thank You, Lord. for never sighing and walking away because I'm being ridiculous.

Thank You for always listening even when i'm not talking to You.

Thank You for completely understanding.

Thank You, Lord for commenting even when i'm not listening.

Thank You for knowing me even when i dont know me.

Thank You, Lord for being called and living up to the name "Healer" and "Comforter".

Thank You.

so come one.

comfort me.

even tho i dont deserve it.

heal me.

because i feel broken.

and Thank You

and to You is all the praise.

because YOU are LORD over ALL.

2010...a new generation!

so, i kinda forgot that i had this blog...then a new, good friend sent me the link to her blog and remember i had one of my own. i think the last time i wrote was quite a while ago so i'm gonna start fresh
i'm now at a new school and loving ever waking minute of it. God has continued to bless me and continuing to show me how powerful and awesome He is. you know, its one thing to know about Him and His awesome power, love, grace, mercy, etc, and its another compeltely different thing to expirience and my whole life, I've known it. and now, 20 years later, i'm expiriencing it. I've learned so much about myself this year and and starting to realize what i've made my life about...and its been about me.
i've even fooled myself into thinking its been about Him, but i'm starting to realize that its just a big mess. i know i'm a self centered person and i see it every day of my life and i constantly ask to be humbled but it wasnt until Passion 2010 that i actually felt it. God has been teaching me patience while also being patient with me knowing that some day I'll get it. and the last day, i did. He finally showed me what my life has been about. He pointed to me and was like "don't you see? you're making it ALL about you!" BLOWN AWAY, I TELL YA!
i was so ashamed of knowing that my whole life i've been making it about me. and always asking for that humility, i never knew it would feel that way. misery. its awful. but at the same time, knowing that God has an amazing grace and mercy makes it all better. and knowing that i'm not going to continually say that i'm rededicating my life to Him and that I'll never do it again, makes me feel ok. because I know in my heart that i will continually fall and sin, but God has forgiven me! and its ok! i'm human and i'm going to sin, but God's grace washes it all away.
you'd think that i'd say that i'm changed forever and havent made things about me since that day, but the crazy thing is, is that two minutes later i did it again. and i keep on doing it every single day, and i'm so glad that God keeps pointing it out to me.
I've never been so passionate and so in love with our amazing King of kings and I never want this fire to die down, so I'm going to put so much more effort into this awakening that He's blessed me with and keep it in my heart.
My prayer is that you, too will either be awakened to His call or stay awakened and live like the One and Only God is on YOUR side...because He is..."and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"
Thanks for the read!
and i'll prolly be writing more often now!
;)
sam