Sunday

Every Sunday. I go to church and every Sunday, without fail, I'm convicted. I make myself sick. Every Sunday during Church, I tell myself and I tell God, "I'm through. I'm done complaining about life. I'm done living for the world. I'm done saying 'I'll read my Bible later.' or 'I'll spend time with You later.' " And what happens? The exact same thing. I fail. I fail myself and I fail my Lord. Every Sunday I make another empty promise. Every Sunday I tell myself, "This time will be different." But its not. I always fall through.

I absolutely love the 2 churches I attend. The one in Starkville is Pinelake and the pastor and music is amazing. The worship is contemporary and it's what I love to do the best. The preacher uses the Word and preaches the truth. The church in Senatobia with my parents is simply perfect. And completely different from Pinelake. First Baptist Church of Senatobia has one of the best pastors ever. Each Sunday I've attended there, it seems like he is speaking just to me. The worship isn't necessarily contemporary, but it's worship. It's simple and it's beautiful. And no matter where I attend, I'm convicted.

And I love it.

I'm told and reminded every Sunday that I'm a sinner. Things in my life are not right and I need to make a change. I need to change my daily habits so they are pleasing to the One that I serve. And every Sunday I feel like I'm getting closer to that goal. And every Sunday I'm scared of failing. I'm scared because I know my history. I tell myself one thing, and do something else. I tell myself I'll change everything and nothing changes.

This morning I went to Sunday School with my parents. We read Psalm 121.

"I lift my eyes up to the hills,

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

will neither slumber not sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all evil;

He will keep your life.

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in

from this time for and forever more."

Also, in "big church" the pastor talked about having a faith that conquers all impossibilities. A conquering faith. That's what I want. And to do that, I have to tell myself over and over again that I'm going to change things. And I don't have to be scared. Because I've got the Lord of all. I'm on His side, so I'm going to win. That doesn't mean I don't have to do anything. It just means that I have no need to worry. I need to work hard at my relationship with Christ, and know that everything will be alright.

So things are going to be different. Starting today. No, I won't be totally holy today or even tomorrow. But I'm not going to give up just because I'm a sinner. Because in Christ, there is victory!

C.S. Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser

This is the only song that's been playing in my car for at least 2 weeks. When another one comes on, I have to fight the urger to replay it...and most times I give in and play it again. Every line means something wonderful to me. I'd like to share with you the lyrics. I hope they mean the same for you.

Ah....

Ah....

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy

I can only conclude that I, I WAS NOT MADE FOR HERE

If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary

Then, of course, I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn

Mercy comes with the morning

And I will sigh and with all creation groan

As I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost of just less found on the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way

IS THIS SOUL THAT STIRS IN ME, IS BREAKING FREE

WANTING TO COME ALIVE?

Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb

And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn

Mercy comes with the morning

And I will sigh and with all creation groan

As I wait for hope to come for me

FOR WE, WE ARE NOT LONG HERE

OUR TIME IS BUT A BREATHE

SO WE'D BETTER BREATHE IT

AND I, I WAS MADE TO LOVE

I WAS MADE TO LOVE

I WAS MADE TO KNOW YOU

hope

is coming for me

hope

is coming for me

hope

is coming for me

hope

HE'S COMIN

Speak to me in the light of the dawn

Mercy comes with the mornin, mornin

And I will sigh and with all creation groan

As I wait for hope to come for me, for me, for me

Ah...

Ah...

The Love of Money...

you can finish the rest, right?

I have been looking for a third job ALL YEAR.
I dare say that i NEED something to help me pay bills.

its not like i can't pay them every month...although there are some months when i have had to ask my parents for help, which i hate.

in my mind, i'm 20 years old. i should be able to take care of myself.

also they aren't always able to help pay everything i need, therefore i support myself.

car payment, rent, utilities, groceries, gas, etc.

the only thing they help me with is my phone bill.

i don't have money to go out to eat.

i don't have money to buy clothes.

i don't have money to get new contacts.

and it's starting to tick me off.

God, You have taught me what it really means to live by faith.

I KNOW You'll take care of me every month

I know that i have a family to go to when i need financial help, and even though that hurts my pride, i'm learning to rid myself of that.

but when someone asks me to lead a DNOW or help with lead a small group for one weekend, my first thought is, "can i afford to do that if i'm not getting paid?"

I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT

it's not like i'm asking to go shopping and get a whole new wardrobe or party all weekend and just blowing my money or take a road trip for a weekend with my friends.

this is something that is for YOU.

i'm asked to help younger girls learn to live a life according to YOUR will

to see themselves through YOUR eyes.

i don't understand.

and i'm upset.

i'm mad that i can't afford to do things with my friends.

i'm mad that i can barely afford to go home on the weekends because thats 2 days without work.

then when the first of the month rolls around, i'm struggling to find the money i need to survive.

God i know that You will always take care of me

I know that I will never have to worry because I'm in the palm of Your hand

I know that if i have to push my pride aside, I can easily ask my family for the money i NEED, but i'm sick of living this way.

i want to have just one iota of freedom.

that is definitely a selfish thing to ask considering have food in my cabinets, warm clothes, and live in apt with one of my best friends, in a vicinity with some of the most wonderful people ever. I have a beautiful family that accepts me for who I am, trusts me, and i can do anything and still be loved and welcomed by them. I know that every breathe i take is a precious gift from You. I know that You suffered the worst death imaginable and died. for my heart. i know i am more blessed than i could ever imagine. i know.

still, i'm not asking to eat out every night or shop all the time, but every once in a while, i want to be able to buy something for my roommate, who continually takes care of me. i want to be able to offer a meal to a friend who needs to talk. i want to go home and not constantly be thinking that i could be working and making money. i want to go work a DNOW, serving You without hoping and praying that they give me a check at the end of the weekend and its enough for me to live off of for another week.

i want one more paycheck. anything would be perfect. it doesn't have to be 15 hrs a week, it could be 2 for all i care. as long as i have another small form of income. tutoring, babysitting, cleaning a house. i'll take it!

i know that this time in my life is teaching me for the future, but i feel like i've learned. i feel i know how to manage my money. i know how to spend conservatively. so why am i still here? i'm sick of it

pride is going out the door. if anyone knows of anything, i'll do it. because i desperately want to serve my God with all that I am. I want to do it. please!

New Year, New Thoughts, New Life

so yes, it's almost the end of January, but I haven't felt the need to blog until now.

My Christmas break was definitely not the best and some might consider it one of the worst, but that's life. Don't dwell and pout, move on.

Which is one of my resolutions. But it is much more than a simple resolution, it is a life change. It's not a diet, or a "I promise I'll read my Bible every day of 2011!" because I hate making promises that I may or may not keep.

No, this was something that wasn't just for a year, it is for the rest of my life. I said that I will be positive, I will do things that need to be done even, and especially, when I don't feel like doing them, because I have seen and experienced the outcome of NOT doing something simply because you don't "feel like it". It's miserable. And not fun. And feels quite icky after a while. Therefore, it's not gonna happen to Sam.

So far it's been going quite well! At the beginning of this semester, I found out just how busy I'm gonna be with class and how much work I'll be doing. And the old Sam would complain and whine and pout and be miserable. But not the new version, not Sam 2.0. Nope, New Sam is gonna push aside my feelings, work hard, stay positive and trust in my all-faithful and loving God above all things.

Can I just say, He's been so freakin good to me! I mean, I don't know when I'm going to get my next paycheck or how I'm going to pay my upcoming bills, but He still allows me to survive. And I'm baffled each time that happens. Why? I deserve to be miserably stressed and crying and worrying and angry and sad and pitiful, but He gives me the strength each day to live happily. Especially lately. I have not been in His Word on my own NEARLY as much as I should, and still He blessed me.

WOW.

And I'm going to serve at a DNOW this weekend and I'm SUPER PUMPED. I get to pour into younger girls for a whole weekend.

AND I've been desperately wanting a musical/worship outlet for me to serve in and the Lord has opened a door for me at the new church in town. I've been praying and praying and PRAYING that His will is done, whether I should serve there or not. I'm gonna be honest, I'm VERY nervous about the auditions, and last night I prayed that if it is His will, then great, but if not, please don't let me be completely humiliated during the auditions. And who knows, maybe He will use that as a way to humble me...we'll see!

anyways, that's just an update with what's going on in Sam's head, heart and life. I would very much appreciate your prayers. love you all.

Giving Him all the Glory,

Sama-lama-lama-la

Identity

so i just realized this

i don't know who i am anymore

isn't it sad that i was defined by things of this world that are temporary? i thought i had it all figured out, that i was good and things were good for me.

and constantly i asked that He would challenge me, my faith in Him.

so He did. He took away from me the things that i had in my life to define myself. and now i'm lost.

i don't know who i am...that's scary.

am i fun? am i confident? am i secure? am i smart? am i strong?

am i silly? am i awkward? do i love people? what are my hobbies?

what's my favorite book? favorite movie? song?

where's my favorite place to be? am i committed?

am i doing what i love? does it matter?

what motivates me?

what's my story?

where so i belong?

who do i fit in with?

who can i be the most comfortable around?

when am i truly myself?

i dont know

but the one thing that i do know is Him.

He is mine and I am His.

and that's all i know

and nothing will take that away from me.

bring whatever you want up against me, nothing will pull me away from His love and my faith is continually being strengthened.

i may not know who i am anymore, but He holds me in His hand and knows me better than anyone.

and for now i only belong to Him.

and that's my identity

not happy

this semester has been hard for me

many times i've wanted to scream, yell, cry and just sleep...for a long time

and this is one of those moments.

i'm angry, upset, hurt, sad, and words cannot express the feelings i'm feelings

i'll just a vent a tad about why i feel this way, even tho i could go on for forever

i just got off the phone with my mom and she asked about my TEACH Grant i should have been getting

as we were talking, i read an email from the wonderful MSU Financial Aid

it stated that, as I've been waiting for months for this large sum of money

i won't be able to get it until i pull my GPA up .5 points

anger

failure

disappointment

hopeless

all filled my insides

i won't be able to do any the things i was hoping on doing this christmas season

like shopping with the girls of my family

or hanging out with friends

and all because of money

that's the worst part of it all

money is controlling my mood

and that's just a small percentage of what my semester has looked like

Broken-Hearted

You're a beautiful person. People adore you. People admire you. People desire to spend time with you. You are wanted, cared for, loved. You are strong, independent, fun, and beautiful.

Psalm 45:11 "...and the King will desire your beauty..."

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in HIS OWN image, in the IMAGE OF GOD HE CREATED HIM..."

Don't you want more than the life you're living? Don't you want to make an impact? Don't you want to be part of something powerful, different, lasting? I know you do. You long to be different, but instead you're going the way of the world, the way that is just like others. You have so much to offer, and what are you doing instead? Throwing it all away.

And what gets me the most is that you know. You know what you're missing out on. You know what His Word says, you know what He wants from you, You know The Truth. You have no excuse.

Romans 1:18-23 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against ALL ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is PLAIN TO THEM, because God has SHOWN IT TO THEM. For His invisible attributes, namely His eternal power and divine nature, have been CLEARLY PERCEIVED, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are WITHOUT EXCUSE. For although they KNEW GOD, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling MORTAL man and birds and animals and creeping things.

You claim that you know what you're doing. You won't do anything "stupid". But its a slow fade. Of course you didn't wake up one morning and want this. You claim to be wise, but you are being foolish. Don't you see it? Don't see you that you're destroying what little amount of time you have? Don't you see that you may not have tomorrow? You know this. You've seen death. You've seen how those as young as you have passed away. You've experienced someone close to you being taken from this world. So again, you are without excuse.

Isaiah 40:6-8 "...all flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breathe of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but The Word of our God will stand forever."

So what are you doing with your life, you foolish girl? You are living a life for yourself; a selfish, mortal, and hopeless self. One day you will fail. One day you will realize what you have been doing this whole time and the people you surround yourself with, who are also selfish, are not going to help you. Because, just like you, they are living for themselves and no one else, therefore, they can't help you.

And you sit there claiming "its my life, I can do whatever I want with it. One day, I'll do what He wants. But for now, it's all about me." But that's not how it works.

Romans 8:7-8 "For the mind that is set on the flesh is HOSTILE to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh CANNOT please God."

You know better. You know how powerful my God is. You know that in any second, He can turn your life around. In the past: David, Job, Noah; and in your present: Rachel, Giovanni, Morgan, their lives ALL tell of His mighty hand, His unending power. In one second, your life could be over as you know it.

But you've got it figured out. You may first go to those "friends" you have, but what will happen sooner or later? They'll give up. Then you'll turn to your family, who you know will help you. And why would you come to us at last? Because you know we will help you and support you and love you no matter what. We are waiting for you to come to us. Don't you see? We've been where you are. We've been caught up in the pleasures of this life and turned our backs on the only One who truly loved us. And He was waiting of for us to run to Him. And He's waiting for you to run to Him.

Don't you see? It's all about Him. To live a satisfied, joyful, obedient life is what He died for. And you are taking it for granted. Every breathe you take is a gift from the Ruler of the Earth.

Why don't you understand that? It breaks my heart. And I pray for you. I pray that God gives you another chance to realize what you've done. I pray that He uses me in your life, that I resemble a life that is pleasing to Him, a life that is known as "Christian". I pray that you know that you can come to me with anything and know that I will always love you. I know you can do better and just hope and pray that you see that. That you give your life to the only One who commands every little thing in this puny life we live. That you realize where your beauty comes from.