am i who i'm supposed to be?

i'm going on a missions trip in 2 weeks for 2 months.

i cannot explain how excited i am

i can also tell you that, as an amazing person pointed out, i'm being attacked

satan knows that God will be doing amazing things on this trip, so he's trying his best to bring me far away from Christ.

and honestly, its been working a little

i'm being told that i'm not doing enough, loving enough or being enough of the person i'm supposed to be

the person that i am is wrong.

i'm not strong enough in my faith to lead a bible study.

i cant lead someone to Christ when my life isnt where it should be

God cant use me because i dont have the right abilities

well, you know what? that may be right

but i've got God.

He is so much stronger than satan is and He's holding on to me

He never lets go

when satans lies are getting to me, He's still there

He loves me more than i could imagine or ever return

so at this moment and with things i continually do, i may not like who i am

one of my sisters told me the other day about my trip, "girl, you'll come back a changed woman!"

that stuck with me

and that's what i've been praying.

Francis Chan talks about, in his book Crazy Love, being completely obsessed with God.

he asks if we want to be obsessed with Him.

when we pray, do we pray for continual safety or do we pray that we go through anything to grow closer to Him?

as scary as that may be, what i want more than anything is to desire Him with all of my heart.

so thats what i've been praying

i pray so much that God prepares me for this trip, that He protects me from satan's lies and that He changes me

not just while i'm there, but starting today, right now

i want to be changed.

so that i can become the woman He has planned for me to be

someone obsessed and in love with Jesus Christ, my Savior

how i wait for that glorious day

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. - Pslams 63:5

why, God?

why can i not be satisfied by You?

why can't i accept the overpowering, unending, strongest love You have for me?

why?

i want so bad to get it.

not in my head

its been in my head for twenty years

but in my heart.

i KNOW You love me. its everywhere. its in nature. its in friends. its in family, Your Word, Your songs, my emotions, my blessings. what You have done for me. its everywhere

so why hasnt it clicked?

i'm searching and searching and knowing someday i'll find it.

BUT I CANT WAIT ANY LONGER!!!

i go to people to find it but its not enough

i want to be completely satisfied in YOU!

people don't fill that void

i want love

but not from people, because anyone can see that i have that

i want love from You

and You're giving it to me but why don't i feel it?

i dont understand

if there's something keeping me from accepting it, rip it out

as much as it hurts, take it away

because more than anything i want to want You more

i'm dry

spiritually and physically.

i dreamed last night that someone close to me died

my mom told me

and i couldnt cry

it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but i havent cried real tears in the longest time

and its the WORST feeling

to want to cry so badly and have no tears to do so.

i get so close so many times

and it makes me mad

God, i'm all dried up.

what should i do?

i believe, once i get that satisfaction in You, i'll be able to cry

and cry and cry and cry.

tears of joy and at the same time those tears i've wanted to cry when i havent been able to.

it will be wonderful

a sense of relief thats has been building up for so long.

*sigh*

oh how i wait for that day

impatient?

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if its only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you're apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."

so i'm realizing that for some stupid reason, i dont love You like i should

but i'm searching

and wanting so much to love You

Francis Chan says, "Our prayers for more love result in love, which naturally causes us to pray more, which results in more love..."

well i know in my head that You love me

i've been told that my whole life

but why can't i just accept it and love You back?

love You in a way that breaks down all the stupid things keeping my from obeying You.

love You so immensely that i need nothing else.

love You so fully that there is no physical way for me to keep it to myself or focus on myself because everything i do, i do for You

so i beg You please!

help me

i need You

i can't accept and love You back on my own because You are in completely control of my heart.

i'm searching and not seeming to find anything

my head knows it but my heart doesnt seem to feel it

change my heart

"Tell Him you want to love Him more than anything on this earth." Lord of creation, i want You to be the most supreme love in my heart. a love that surpasses the love of my wonderful friends and amazing family. i really do

"Tell Him you want to treasure the kingdom of heaven so much that you'd willingly sell everything in order to get it." King of all things, I want to stop worrying about the things of this world and most focus on what's in store for me at the end of my physical life. Heaven. Paradise. Eternity with my best Friend, Lover, Father, Saviour, Lord, King, and God.

"Tell Him what you life about Him, what you appreciate, and what brings you joy." Oh, my God, i adore that you love me. you dont try to tweek me. you made me and in Your eyes i'm perfect. You desire to be with me. You bless me knowing how undeserved i am of it. You keep me safe. You humble me. Thank You, Wonderful Creator, Jesus who died. AND LIVES.

"The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?" - John Piper, God Is the Gospel