how i wait for that glorious day

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. - Pslams 63:5

why, God?

why can i not be satisfied by You?

why can't i accept the overpowering, unending, strongest love You have for me?

why?

i want so bad to get it.

not in my head

its been in my head for twenty years

but in my heart.

i KNOW You love me. its everywhere. its in nature. its in friends. its in family, Your Word, Your songs, my emotions, my blessings. what You have done for me. its everywhere

so why hasnt it clicked?

i'm searching and searching and knowing someday i'll find it.

BUT I CANT WAIT ANY LONGER!!!

i go to people to find it but its not enough

i want to be completely satisfied in YOU!

people don't fill that void

i want love

but not from people, because anyone can see that i have that

i want love from You

and You're giving it to me but why don't i feel it?

i dont understand

if there's something keeping me from accepting it, rip it out

as much as it hurts, take it away

because more than anything i want to want You more

i'm dry

spiritually and physically.

i dreamed last night that someone close to me died

my mom told me

and i couldnt cry

it may not seem like a big deal to some people, but i havent cried real tears in the longest time

and its the WORST feeling

to want to cry so badly and have no tears to do so.

i get so close so many times

and it makes me mad

God, i'm all dried up.

what should i do?

i believe, once i get that satisfaction in You, i'll be able to cry

and cry and cry and cry.

tears of joy and at the same time those tears i've wanted to cry when i havent been able to.

it will be wonderful

a sense of relief thats has been building up for so long.

*sigh*

oh how i wait for that day