I have been looking for a third job ALL YEAR.
I dare say that i NEED something to help me pay bills.
I dare say that i NEED something to help me pay bills.
its not like i can't pay them every month...although there are some months when i have had to ask my parents for help, which i hate.
in my mind, i'm 20 years old. i should be able to take care of myself.
also they aren't always able to help pay everything i need, therefore i support myself.
car payment, rent, utilities, groceries, gas, etc.
the only thing they help me with is my phone bill.
i don't have money to go out to eat.
i don't have money to buy clothes.
i don't have money to get new contacts.
and it's starting to tick me off.
God, You have taught me what it really means to live by faith.
I KNOW You'll take care of me every month
I know that i have a family to go to when i need financial help, and even though that hurts my pride, i'm learning to rid myself of that.
but when someone asks me to lead a DNOW or help with lead a small group for one weekend, my first thought is, "can i afford to do that if i'm not getting paid?"
I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT
it's not like i'm asking to go shopping and get a whole new wardrobe or party all weekend and just blowing my money or take a road trip for a weekend with my friends.
this is something that is for YOU.
i'm asked to help younger girls learn to live a life according to YOUR will
to see themselves through YOUR eyes.
i don't understand.
and i'm upset.
i'm mad that i can't afford to do things with my friends.
i'm mad that i can barely afford to go home on the weekends because thats 2 days without work.
then when the first of the month rolls around, i'm struggling to find the money i need to survive.
God i know that You will always take care of me
I know that I will never have to worry because I'm in the palm of Your hand
I know that if i have to push my pride aside, I can easily ask my family for the money i NEED, but i'm sick of living this way.
i want to have just one iota of freedom.
that is definitely a selfish thing to ask considering have food in my cabinets, warm clothes, and live in apt with one of my best friends, in a vicinity with some of the most wonderful people ever. I have a beautiful family that accepts me for who I am, trusts me, and i can do anything and still be loved and welcomed by them. I know that every breathe i take is a precious gift from You. I know that You suffered the worst death imaginable and died. for my heart. i know i am more blessed than i could ever imagine. i know.
still, i'm not asking to eat out every night or shop all the time, but every once in a while, i want to be able to buy something for my roommate, who continually takes care of me. i want to be able to offer a meal to a friend who needs to talk. i want to go home and not constantly be thinking that i could be working and making money. i want to go work a DNOW, serving You without hoping and praying that they give me a check at the end of the weekend and its enough for me to live off of for another week.
i want one more paycheck. anything would be perfect. it doesn't have to be 15 hrs a week, it could be 2 for all i care. as long as i have another small form of income. tutoring, babysitting, cleaning a house. i'll take it!
i know that this time in my life is teaching me for the future, but i feel like i've learned. i feel i know how to manage my money. i know how to spend conservatively. so why am i still here? i'm sick of it
pride is going out the door. if anyone knows of anything, i'll do it. because i desperately want to serve my God with all that I am. I want to do it. please!
